


With Trees and Pills

by JamesMerchant



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, BPD, Bipolar Disorder, Bromance, Comedy, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Humor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Musicals, Nail Polish, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Tragedy, Tree Climbing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-04 07:42:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11550648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamesMerchant/pseuds/JamesMerchant
Summary: Evan Hansen, a lonely, socially impaired boy. He fell from a tree, that's what he tells himself, what he tells everyone else.And Connor Murphy, the supposed school shooter, depressed. He's a lost cause, an addict.What if for once in their lives, life didn't completely screw them over? What if things were different, and they weren't alone...





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo I've never actually attempted to write a fanfic, I'm more of a poetry person lol. But hey, there's a first for everything. And boy is Dear Evan Hansen relatable. Also, I'm too poor to see the musical so I've only ever listened to the soundtrack, but I'm gonna do my best. This is an AU of sorts, so the differences may be substantial, but I will try to stay true to the characters and stuff as much as possible. Usually, I hate changing characters to any degree, but I'm also gay trash so yeah, this will be a romance, maybe just a bromance, just cuz I love love, but I want to keep it realistic.

Evan stared at the ground below him. It was a steep drop...if he fell the chances of survival would probably be pretty slim. He looked back up and took in the view. It was beautiful. The sun was just barely starting to come up, and everywhere the light touched seemed to illuminate in a peaceful sort of glow. It was a serenity that was not fitting his current mood. How could something be so beautiful when someone feels so ugly? He was so tired. He decided he had been tired for a very long time. And he was just now starting to fall asleep. His arms went limp at his sides, and before he knew it -though he did look back later and wonder that maybe he had known it, maybe even willed it- he was falling. Just like a dying tree in a forest. And he wondered for a second if he would even make a sound.

* * * *

Connor stared at his ceiling. He was laughing uncontrollably, and he didn't know why. Maybe he'd finally lost it? Nah. That happened a long time ago. It was probably the weed. Yeah. The weed....the ceiling was swirling again. Swirling, and closing in on him. He was suffocating. Not literally of course, but it felt like he was. He wanted to die, but he was too tired and too high to do anything about it. So he closed his eyes, but things only got worse.   
His father hated him, he knew it. His sister hated him, and he deserved it. His mom was trying so hard, but he only pushed her away. She was the only one still trying...and he felt so bad. He didn't deserve that love. These were his thoughts. They repeated over and over in his head, like a broken record stuck on his least favorite part of a song he hated. What are you supposed to do when you're your own monster? ...he was seeing colors again.


	2. ONE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't want you going to school high Connor!"  
> "Good, then I won't go."

Evan stood on the front porch of Connor Murphy's house, books in his sweaty hands and the most frightened look you could imagine on his face. His house was huge, much bigger than Evan's little apartment he and his mom shared not seven minutes away. And suddenly he was feeling very aware of what he was wearing. Did he look poor? Probably. God he hoped Zoe wouldn't see him. He looked poor and weak and he was probably going to start stuttering or rambling and he wouldn't be able to stop. He rang the door bell with a shaky hand. What if the doorbell didn't work? Then he would have to knock and what if he knocked too much or when he went to knock he dropped the books because of his cast and what if someone wanted to shake his hands and his palms got sweaty again? And he knew they would so that would be embarrassing and- door opened and a woman around his own mothers age opened the door wearing a nice, clearly ironed, dress and a questioning look.  
"Um. H-hello. Are you Connor's mom?" Even grimaced at the sound of his voice. He sounded scared. And of course that was his mom who else good it be? The woman smiled a little too widely.   
"Yes I am, you can call me Cynthia." She held out a had. Evan had to shift the books to his armpit before reaching out a shaky, slightly clammy, hand.   
"I uh, I'm Evan. Evan Hansen. I was supposed to drop off these books to Connor because Zoe left before they could get to her and we have mostly the same classes. Not that it's a really big deal, I mean it's only the second day so we don't have homework, but I guess the teachers figured he would like his books and schedule anyway so..uh-sorry." He felt all of the blood in his body rush to his face as Cynthia blinked and gave a little chuckle.   
"So I take it your a friend of Connor's."   
There was a slightly sarcastic and almost sad tone in her voice. Evan blanched.   
"Yes- I mean no I-" but before he could correct himself Cynthia cut him off, a new radiance on her face.   
"That's great! Come on in sweetheart and you can take those to his room upstairs. You'll know it when you see it."   
Evan found himself silently walking up the wooden steps. He was doomed. Why did he say yes? God Connor was going to kill him. Maybe he could do it right...Once he was at the top he immediately knew which one was Connor's. He didn't have a door after all and as soon as Evan was at the top of the stairs he found himself locked in an intense staring contest with the boy, who was sitting criss cross apple sauce hands in the cookie jar style with a thick book on his lap. He had pretty, cool blue, eyes. But they were masked by a stern, almost criticizing look. But more than anything, they just looked tired-or maybe it was the dark bags under his eyes doing that?- and they were narrowed right at him.  
"Who the fuck are you?"  
"I-I'm Evan Hansen?" Don't say it like a question that's who you are, he scolded himself. Nodding down to the books he walked up to the suspicious Murphy's door frame on shaking knees.   
"I came to bring your books since we have mostly the same classes and the teachers  couldn't find Zoe so...."   
There was a thick silence before Connor scoffed.  
"Couldn't find her my ass. The bitch probably evaded them on purpose." Evan winced at the name calling.   
"Um..." He didn't know how to respond. How was he supposed to respond?  
"You can come in ya know." Evan nodded.   
"Oh, yeah okay, where should I..put these?" Connor shrugged and pointed to his bedside table. Evan looked at it, eyes widening slightly when he noticed the rolled joint. So he did smoke weed... like they said.  
"There's fine. I mean the likelihood of me touching  the damn things is pretty low so anywheres fine." Evan nodded and put the books on the table, stepping over a small pile of clothes and almost tripping to get to it.   
He heard a deep chuckle come from the other boy.   
"Jesus. You're a nervous wreck aren't you? Just calm the fuck down, I'm not gonna bite you. Probably." Evan stiffened, and gave a little laugh.   
"Um-that's all I really...came here for. Sorry for bothering you I'll just go no-"  
"How'd you break your arm?"  
"What?"  
"How. Did you break. Your arm."  
"Oh, no I heard you I was just surprised and I uh- sorry. Um, I fell out of a tree."  
There was a short silence before Evan heard Connor laugh. Evan felt his eyes widen slightly as he heard the sound. It was weird how genuine it sounded. "That, is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard." Evan smiled a little. "Ha..yeah."  
Connor gestured to Evan's arm.   
"No ones signed it. Ya got a sharpie?"  
"Um yeah. You uh, you don't have to I mean, you shouldn't feel obligated to or anything it's fi-"  
"Just shut up and give me the sharpie Hansen."  
Evan pressed his lips together and nodded, digging the sharpie out f his backpack and stepping forward to hand it to him, attempting to smother the feeling of excitement bubbling in his chest. He was just being nice. But still, it was more than anyone else had bothered to do.   
Connor grabbed the cast clad arm, yanking it closer and making Evan gasp out a small "ow".   
"Sorry..."  
Evan watched as the other boy scrawled his name on his cast. He was leaned forward on his bed, making a few strands of brown hair fall in his face. His hands were large, and his fingers were long and thin. He had the hands of a pianist, or a violinist maybe, Evan thought. Connor hummed and released Evan's arm when he was done, tossing the sharpie back to Evan, and causing him to fumble it before tossing it back in his bag. Evan glanced at the name on his cast. It took up pretty much the entire thing, not that he minded. It wasn't like anyone else was going to sign it.   
"There, now we can both pretend to have friends." Evan nodded silently, shuffling his feet.   
"You're uh- you're grinning Hansen." Evan quickly realized that he was in fact grinning and replaced it with a frown. "Sorry! I'll stop, that's really weird I just. I don't know. Sorry." Connor laughed.   
"Dude it's fine, you apologize a lot."   
"Ha, yeah I do I just, sorry about that too I guess. Um, I'll get out of your hair now. I...I'll see you tomorrow? I mean maybe not. I don't know why you haven't been to school, I mean you missed the first two days but that's fine because you were probably sick or something. So maybe not tomorrow, maybe some other day. Not that it's any of my business or it's a problem it you weren't! Sick I mean. I mean I miss because I have off days too sometimes. But uh- I'll see you eventually?" Connor stared at Evan for a few seconds before nodding.   
"Um...yeah. Yeah I'll see you eventually Hansen."  
Evan smiled.   
"Oh, okay. Cool. Um-bye then? I mean yeah, bye Connor!"   
And just like that, Evan Hansen was sprinting down the stairs of the Murphy residence, not even realizing the turmoil he had just created.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. I'm doing this instead of my Summer math packet. And I don't care.


End file.
